I'm not a particularly sentimental type of guy, but I thought that it would be helpful if I were to keep a record of some of my thoughts as I watched my Grandpa pass from earth into eternity.
He was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease in December. It didn't take long for it to run it's course.
April 16
Last
night I took my Grandma up to visit my Grandfather in the hospital. There are
many thoughts that never occur to you until you are put in that type of
situation. The first thought is shamefully obvious. If they hadn’t of done it…
I wouldn’t be sitting here. Then I had a
thought that went one step further. I watched as my Grandma did all sorts of
small things to make him more comfortable. What would my life look like, if
they hadn’t invested themselves in each other and their family? I can’t help
but think that things wouldn’t be nearly as good as they are if they hadn’t.
The day
I turned 18 was a long anticipated day. I applied for a credit card, in hopes
of building up enough credit so that I could take out a loan when I needed it.
I still don’t think it really sunk in that I was responsible for everything in
my life until I asked to borrow $20.00 from my parents to buy a new pair of
jeans. - They said they would do no such thing.
The 25th
year on planet earth is equally unwelcoming. It’s the first time that
I’ve encountered the subtle realization that now there is only one generation
left standing between myself and death. I can so clearly see the pain, and
stress that is so evident on the faces of my family members as they wrestle
through all of the unexplainable emotions, and I’m not looking forward to the
day when I too will feel it so acutely.
April
22, 2013
The
finish line is well within view. It’s a very difficult time. There is so much agony
that finds all sorts of ways of expressing itself. My Dad is stressed out, and doesn’t
seem to remember anything he had told me earlier in the day. My Grandma can’t
sleep, as she is intent on making sure that all of the arrangements are in
place. Should we ask for 3 songs or 4?
They
question whether or not they should have been praying for God to do a miracle,
or if it is truly his time to go. It’s
not an easy thing. I can’t blame anyone for treating anyone else in less than a
personable manner.
Skin stretched so thinly over skeleton.
I always imagined that the human skull would have been smaller. The odour is very peculiar. I wasn’t able to
pinpoint it, but it wasn’t like most offensive odours that diminish with time.
It’s persistent, and, even now, I can smell it on my clothes.
There
are times when the euthanasia debate suddenly becomes far less black and white.
I’m not saying that I would ever want to be held responsible for making that
sort of a decision, but it’s so incredibly hard to watch someone work so hard
for every breath.
The last thing I said to my Dad before I
left the hospital was, “Are you coming home tonight?” His response was, “Not
unless…”
April 23, 2013
My Grandfather passed away this a.m.
I don’t have any particular emotions that
are tangible, or evident.
The hospital staff all said he would pass
yesterday, but he was tougher than they thought.
I’m proud of him, and I am really looking
forward to being able to find some time to go and sit by myself and think about
all the things that he taught me, and all those important moments that I didn’t
take much notice of as a child.
I truly appreciate everyone who has offered their condolences.
Thanks for reading.
All I wanted was to rip life away from the jaws of death - Post Mortem Blues
